I'm so glad, you made time to see me

1:!5 am where shall I start? I'm writing this to an imaginary person that I can trust and be frank about all my embarrassing flaws, not having to worry what he thinks, he understands me, and love me regardless Today is the first day of my period, probably that's why my hormones are all over the place. I'm a person that cares soooooooo much about how other people think of me That's probably because I have very poor self-esteem and many other things...haha Isn't that great if there's someone in your life that you can be so frank about all ur thoughts, and not having to worry about embarrassing urself and just be so freely about everything man...i need a sense of peacefulness and worry free feeling. I need a comfortable and reliable shoulder to lean on So things I'm not happy about my life: I've been told that I'm a very competitive person, so I care how other people think of me, and I always try to be the best But in reality, I'm actually a very average person. In terms of my career achievement, how I presented myself to other people, socially and in work situation, averagely intelligent, pretty much in all areas I'm just a mediocre. Now, that's when my internal conflicts kick in, I'm like a big dog that got trapped in a small dog body (haha, is that a bad analogy?) I'm very competitive, yet I'm just very average in every way I'm very angry and upset that I'm not a native speaker. I feel like my career would have been so much better if I were. If I were, I probably won't have to try and struggle as hard in my academic career If I were, I probably will appear less stupid publicly and socially, and at work I'm very angry that my mom didn't nurture me probably by giving me proper education I'm very tired